As we approach the holiday season, the pressure to “capture” the moment often outweighs the importance of actually living it. We find ourselves hovering over the dinner table to get the perfect photo of the turkey, or viewing our children’s excitement through the lens of a smartphone screen as they open gifts.
In our practice, we often see a spike in “holiday burnout.” Much of this isn’t just due to busy schedules, but the emotional exhaustion of performative connection. When we are constantly documenting our holidays for an external audience, we stop being participants in our own lives and become spectators.
Here are four research-backed benefits of going digital-free to save and strengthen your relationships.
1. The Restoration of “Active Listening” and Eye Contact
Communication is 7% verbal and 93% non-verbal. When we are looking at a screen, we miss the micro-expressions, the slight shifts in posture, and the dilation of pupils that signal true emotion.
Research published in the journal Environment and Behavior suggests that the mere presence of a smartphone on a table—even if it is turned off—decreases the quality of a conversation. Participants reported lower levels of empathy and felt less connected to their conversation partner when a phone was visible.
By removing the device entirely, you signal to your partner that they are your primary focus. This fosters a sense of being “seen” and “heard,” which are the bedrock of emotional safety.
2. Breaking the “Phubbing” Cycle
“Phubbing”—the act of snubbing someone in a social setting by looking at your phone—is a relationship killer. A study led by researchers at Baylor University found that phubbing can lead to a decline in relationship satisfaction and, consequently, higher levels of depression.
When you choose a digital-free environment, you eliminate the “micro-rejections” that happen every time you glance at a notification while your partner is speaking. These small moments of neglect accumulate over time, creating a “death by a thousand cuts” for intimacy. Going digital-free replaces those rejections with bids for connection, the small interactions that build up the “emotional bank account” of a relationship.
3. Synchronization and Co-Regulation
Humans are neurobiologically wired to co-regulate. When we spend time with a loved one without distraction, our nervous systems begin to sync. Our heart rates may align, and our breathing patterns stabilize. This physical attunement is what creates the feeling of “being on the same page.”
Digital devices fragment our attention, keeping our nervous systems in a state of “continuous partial attention.” This prevents the deep physiological relaxation that occurs during undistracted quality time. Research into interpersonal synchrony shows that shared, focused activities—like a walk without phones or a meal without a TV—strengthen the bond by allowing our brains to mirror one another more effectively.
4. Conflict Resolution and Emotional Nuance
Have you ever tried to resolve a disagreement over text? It is a recipe for disaster. Without tone of voice and facial cues, the brain often defaults to a “negativity bias,” interpreting neutral statements as hostile.
Digital-free communication forces couples to handle conflict in real-time and in person. This encourages emotional literacy. You learn to sit with the discomfort of a pause, to read the sadness in a partner’s eyes, and to offer a physical touch of reassurance. According to the Gottman Institute, the ability to repair a relationship in the moment is a top predictor of long-term success. Removing the digital “buffer” makes these repairs more authentic and effective.
The Power of “Shared Reality”
During the holidays, the goal is to create collective memories. Research in the field of social psychology suggests that shared experiences are significantly more impactful when participants are focused on the same stimuli. When half the family is scrolling through social media while a grandparent tells a story, the “shared reality” is fractured.
Going digital-free during holiday gatherings allows for:
- Multigenerational Mentorship: When teenagers put away their phones, they open the door to learning family history and wisdom from elders that would otherwise be lost to the scroll.
- Reduced Social Comparison: The holidays are notorious for triggering “FOMO” (Fear Of Missing Out). By staying off-grid, you avoid comparing your “behind-the-scenes” to everyone else’s “highlight reel,” leading to higher gratitude and contentment.
- True Relaxation: Our brains need a break from the dopamine loops of notifications. A digital-free holiday allows your nervous system to actually enter a “rest and digest” state, making the time off feel restorative rather than draining.
A Challenge for Your Next Gathering
This year, try a “Phone Basket” at the front door. Ask guests to silence their devices and leave them behind for the duration of the meal or gift exchange. What you’ll find is that after an initial ten minutes of “phantom vibration” itchiness, the room will grow warmer, the laughter louder, and the memories much more vivid.
Remember: Your loved ones don’t need a tagged photo of you; they need the version of you that is fully, vibrantly present.
